AzureHart's Place

Crack, Fanfic, and other Nonsense

You’ve Been Owned

You've Been Owned

Bunny free to good home…

It’s all Twi’s fault really.  She posted this picture:



of Adam Levine the lead singer for Maroon 5 and I couldn’t help noticing a certain resemblance to John Sheppard of Stargate: Atlantis.  That caused the following bunny to appear fully formed, plop down in my lap, and french kiss the hell out of me before I knew what happened:


John was a little freaked out at how well Ronon was getting along with his cousin. Seriously, 10 minutes after meeting they disappeared together and 45 minutes after that they came stumbling out of the bushes, clothes in disarray with giant smiles on their faces. This was even more awkward when people would come up and comment on how much the two cousins resembled each other.

I don’t need anymore bunnies and do NOT write RPS, so if anyone wants this idea, please, please take this bunny away from me.

People that judge me…

People that judge me...

People that judge me and talk about me behind my back can kiss my flat ass. If you are going to talk about me behind my back don’t bother pretending to be friendly to my face.

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Snippet: There Is Always A Catch

Title: There Is Always A Catch (snippet)

Author: AzureHart

Fandom: Stargate:Atlantis

Genre: Humor, mpreg, slash, het, crack

Rating: FRT

Summery:  There should be a 50-foot tall sign in the gate room that states: If Doctor McKay is enjoying himself on a mission, RUN in the other direction.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate:Atlantis or any of it’s characters. No profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.

Notes:  This is a snippet of my mpreg story.  Considering how slow I write it may be 5 years past forever before you see any more of this so be warned. 

Big thank you to memprime for her help, advice, and general hand holding.  Also a shout out to all those Porn Hustling Hussies AKA Keira’s Minions for letting me bounce ideas off of them.

The mission to PX-911 had been going great. Even Rodney had admitted that.


Really that should have been their first clue. There should be a 50-foot tall sign in the gate room that states: If Doctor McKay is enjoying himself on a mission, RUN in the other direction. Bad shit is going to happen. Fire, flood, Genii, rabid fire-breathing bunnies, Evil Asgard, or your very male team leader may come back PREGNANT by his equally male best friend.


The people of PX-911 called themselves the Dori, and considered themselves to be keepers of knowledge. They had collected many artifacts of Ancient technology as well as that from other advanced societies like Sateda. They even had the plans for building the energy weapons carried by the Satedan military, which thrilled Sheppard to no end since he had been not so secretly envious of Ronon’s gun.


They were thrilled to meet another technologically advanced people, and eager to share with the Atlantians. They asked little in return but friendship and a sharing of what knowledge and technology that those of Atlantis had that was different from what the Dori had already collected. They were fascinated by McKay’s tablet PC, and quite interested in Earth customs, history, and entertainment.


There was little problem providing the Dori with what they asked until it came time to provide them with DVDs for the cultural exchange.


“Musicals,” said Mckay.


John just rolled his eyes. “If you want to know about our culture you’d be better off with a few sporting events.”


“Oh brilliant Colonel. Have them thinking we’re one step above head hunters why don’t you?” Rodney scorned.


“What about Shakespeare?” Teyla asked. “I found his work to be most entertaining and informative.”


“Yes, but no one on Earth dresses or talks like that anymore,” replied Woolsey. “It might be a bit confusing to the people of PX-911 without proper context.”


“Porn,” Ronon said.


Everyone turned and stared at Ronon. “What?!?”


“Porn. You can learn a lot about a people by the way they fuck.” Ronon smirked.


Rodney was the first to recover. “Okay,” he said pointing at Ronon, “you are not allowed to hang out with the Marines. They are obviously a bad influence on you.”


Ronon just grinned. “I knew about fucking long before I came to Atlantis McKay. I haven’t been an innocent since I was 12 summers.”


“I… what?!” Rodney stammered. “Twelve years old?!? Really?”


Ronon’s grin got even wider in response. “I was always…. advanced for my age.”


Woolsey just shook his head and overruled everyone deciding that sending nature programs, historical documentaries, and concert performances was the way to go. Sheppard pouted for days for being denied the opportunity to bring his Hail Mary game to yet another unsuspecting culture.


The Dori were so thrilled with everything they had received in trade with the Atlantians that they even offered their world as a place of sanctuary in time of need. This was invaluable because their vast underground complexes were carved deep into a stone with unusual properties that completely blocked out Wraith scanning and beaming technology. This had allowed the Dori to remain virtually unculled for countless generations. The only time any of their people were taken was when they were outside the complexes or on other worlds for trading, hunting, and farming.


There was of course a catch. There is always a catch. These last minute conditions tended to make everyone a little nervous. Understandably so since they usually involved things like Wraith worshipers, Genii, blood sacrifice, and the local priestess, princess, hot space pirate, weird purple blob with 5 tentacles, or Ascended chick wanting to have Sheppard’s babies.


This time the “catch” didn’t seem that bad, and really once again that should have been a huge clue that freaky shit was going to happen. As many times as these things had backfired on them they really should have known better. However when the Dori revealed that they had a machine capable of recharging ZPMs, and would gladly trade one for one, fully charged ZPMs for each undamaged ZPM that the Atlantians could bring them, they stopped asking too many questions about the ceremony that the Dori said would involve the Doors of Sharing.


Even Rodney wasn’t asking too many questions when he got that news. He was too giddy over the prospect of 3 fully charged ZPMs powering Atlantis, and the ability to secure more for the defense of earth. Rodney’s lack of complaining and his giddiness over the science should have been a huge red flag; John knew better than anyone how Rodney’s scientific zeal could overrun his common sense.


“Honestly Sheppard, that’s a little paranoid even for you. It’s a doorway. Two of us need to walk through the damn doorways while two people stand in front of them. It’s not exactly rocket science, and I say that as something of an expert in rocket science.”


“I just have a bad feeling about this Rodney.”


“What, were you attacked by a door as a child? Did one make fun of your hair or your freakishly pointed ears?”


“Shut up McKay.” Sheppard pouted. “You’re the only one that makes fun of my hair and ears, and don’t come crying to me when the ceremony makes all your hair fall out or something like that.”


John may have taken far too much enjoyment from the way Rodney’s eyes went wide and his hands flew to his hair. It may not be mature of him, but Rodney kind of had it coming for making fun of his ears. They aren’t all that pointed damn it!


Then came the ceremony. Given the way the Dori prize technology and order it wasn’t too surprising that they asked both Rodney and Richard to participate. The other participants were to be John as the military leader and Ronon to pay homage to the people of Satada who had been long time trading partners with the Dori.


Rodney stood before the right hand doorway, with Woolsey taking the left hand door. At the proscribed moment John was to go through the door on the right, Ronon the door on the left, and Rodney and Woolsey were to rest their hands on the pedestals in front of them. As soon as they did that, a gold light enveloped first Rodney, then John while a silver light enveloped Richard and Ronon. That’s when the screaming started.

Five Things Cadman Really Enjoyed Blowing Up

Title: Five Things Cadman Really Enjoyed Blowing Up

Author: AzureHart

Fandom: Stargate:Atlantis

Genre: Humor, Gen, 5-things

Rating: FRT

Summery:  As the title says, five of Laura’s favorite explosions.  Re-post of a challenge response from over at sg1_five_things on Live Journal.  Originally posted December 2010.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate:Atlantis or any of it’s characters. No profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.


1. Her first boyfriend. Okay so technically it was the locker belonging to her first boyfriend, and not actually her boyfriend, but the authorities tend to frown on exploding high school students. Even if the asshole totally deserved it. Still it was a nice bang, the dye pack worked perfectly staining his hair and face a lovely shade of green, and his eyebrows totally grew back… eventually.

2. Captain Trask. If anyone deserved to be blown up it was this waste of space. His constant sexual harassment of any woman of lower rank and lewd comments were enough to warrant blowing him into a fine mist.

Unfortunately authorities still frown on exploding people so Laura had to get creative. She was rather pleased with the heat activated liquid explosive she came up with. She managed to bribe laundry into providing Trask’s underwear and she soaked them in her new explosives. The next time he tried to put the moves on someone, his underwear exploded in a spectacular fashion, catching his clothing on fire and giving him 2nd degree burns in some embarrassing places.

The bonus was that it happened while he was trying to seduce General Morrison’s 14 year old son. To say that the General was displeased would be putting it mildly.

3. An asteroid hurtling toward earth. She wasn’t yet a member of the SGC when she got the request to make a “really big bomb”. She had no idea what it was for, but built her superiors a bomb of the specified explosive power. It wasn’t until later, when she had joined the SGC that she found out that her bomb was used to explode a asteroid that would have caused an extinction level event if it had hit the earth. She was rather proud of her work even if O’Neill kept complaining about her timing mechanism.

4. The stargate. Not the actual stargate of course, but a black hole trying to suck earth into it through the gate. She was rather disappointed that she was on leave when it happened though that didn’t keep her from bragging just a little.

5. Three Wraith cruisers. All it took was one cloaked jumper, 5 naquada enhanced warheads, and a few tanks of the liquid explosive she had developed to deal with Trask. Flown remotely into the middle of the three ships, and then exploded in the biggest fireball ever known by any sentient species. She wasn’t sure how she was going to top that, but hopefully by the time she makes General she will have it figured out.

Fic: Steve McGarrett: Cuddle Ninja

Title: Steve McGarrett: Cuddle Ninja

Author: AzureHart

Fandom: Hawaii Five-O

Genre: Slash, First Time

Rating: FRT

Summery: Danny would have never taken Steve for a secret cuddler…

Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-O or any of it’s characters. No profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.


Danny would have never taken Steve for a secret cuddler; what with the Super Seal, badass, don’t touch me I could kill you with my pinky sort of vibe he has going on. So it was a bit of a surprise to wake up on Steve’s couch with the man wrapped around him.


It was after a difficult case. Nothing involving children was ever an easy case, but the idiot that had kidnapped the Governors niece left a trail of destruction and critically injured bystanders in his wake.


Going on 40 hours into the case, and no one had rested much. They were all running on coffee and adrenaline, so when one of Kono’s friends got them a name, and Chin got them a address for a warehouse that the perp was holed up in, Steve was determined not to wait for backup, but go right in, guns blazing. Since the case involved a little girl close to Grace’s age Danny wasn’t in any mood to argue with him, and they both went in.


It was all a bit anticlimactic. They caught the kidnapper asleep on cot outside a locked office and were able to get the drop on him without having to resort to guns or other violence. Steve seemed vaguely disappointed about that, but when they opened the office and found the little girl inside unharmed and watching a Sponge Bob video it was all worth it.


Somehow after the tearful reunions, thanks from the Governor and the mountain of paperwork it seemed only natural for the both of them to go back to Steve’s house, have a few beers, and watch the game while eating pizza (half good old pepperoni and half pineapple abomination). With the adrenaline crash they didn’t even make it through the first quarter of the game before they were both fast asleep.


Which led to Danny’s current predicament. His all too attractive partner wrapped around his body, one hand fisted in the back of his shirt, the other under the shirt, occasionally moving through the hair on Danny’s stomach.


It was heaven. It was hell.


Heaven because on bad days Danny would allow himself to indulge in his attraction to his partner, and fantasize about being in his arms. Hell because being held in Steve’s arms, feeling the heat of his body, smelling the combination of ocean, gunpowder, and unidentifiable spice that was Steve’s scent, with his hand running over Danny’s skin was causing a physical reaction that he was helpless to stop.


He tried arguing with his body. Steve was his partner, his friend. His very straight friend. If Steve knew that Danny was attracted to him, turned on by his accidental cuddling, he would want nothing more to do with Danny, and quite frankly he didn’t know how he’d survive that. Not having Steve in his life didn’t bear thinking about.


Then Steve shifted in his sleep and pressed himself against Danny’s hip. Holy shit, Steve was hard! Steve flexed his hips again, pressing against Danny.


Shit, shit, and more shit. What had Danny done to deserve this torture? Had he punched a priest in a former life? Told the Pope that his Mother dressed him funny or made fun of his hats?


Danny was frozen with indecision. Steve was obviously thinking about Catherine, or some other hot woman, and would be mortified to find out that he had been for all intents and purposes dry humping his partners leg. Danny knew he should move away, try to free himself from Steve’s octopus like grip, but knowing Steve as he did he knew there was no way to pull away from him without waking him up.


Speaking of waking up, parts of Danny were more than happy with Steve’s actions, and had started perking up. Danny had never been so grateful for the loose fitting jogging pants he had changed into after he and Steve cleaned up before their pizza arrived. It would, at least for the time being, hide the evidence of his arousal.


Danny tried to control his breathing and contemplated trying to pretend he was still asleep.


Just then Steve flexed against Danny’s hip again, and with a breathy moan that would be featured in Danny’s fantasies for the rest of his life whispered, “Danny.”


Holy shit! He could not have heard that! Obviously with all of his blood rushing to south of his waist he was hallucinating. Then it happened again, Steve flexed against him, hand running up his chest to play with a nipple.


He moaned again, “Danny, Danny” and turned his head, kissing Danny on the neck.


Danny couldn’t help the deep intake of breath at that, waking Steve in the process.


Steve’s eyes opened slowly, a smile on his lips, and one hand still moving through Danny’s chest hair. He blinked once, twice and seemed to come fully awake. Steve started to pull away from Danny, glancing at his face. He froze for a moment when he saw that Danny was awake.


There was a moment of fear in Steve’s eyes before the shutters once more came down. Steve released his hold on Danny and in a ninja like move was suddenly standing on the other side of the room. He wouldn’t meet Danny’s eyes, and was standing closed off with arms crossed over his chest. Not good.


Steve cleared his throat. “Would you like breakfast? I could whip up a couple of omelets, or if you want I think there is still some of that unhealthy cereal that you like.”


This was an out. Danny could just go with it and go back to being just friends with Steve, but the memory of Steve pressed against him moaning his name wouldn’t let him.


“So were doing this then? Going to pretend that you weren’t just humping my leg like a amorous poodle?”


Steve took a deep breath, still not looking at Danny. “Sorry I must have thought you were Catherine in my sleep. I never would have..”


Danny interrupted him. “See I might believe that except for a few things. One you were running your hands though my chest hair, and amazing as I’m sure Catherine is I’m pretty sure she’s not part Wookie.”




“And that right there is the other reason. You kept moaning my name while you were molesting my leg.”


Steve swallowed hard and slumped back against the wall, arms hanging slack, his whole posture one of defeat.


“I’m so sorry Danny. I’ll okay your transfer back to HPD first thing, and will make sure that none of this is mentioned.”


Danny was getting angry. “So what, you think you can rub off on my hip and then just fire me from the best job I’ve ever had? Drive me away from my Ohana? Are you that much of a repressed asshole, that you are going to fire me because you lost enough control, in your SLEEP that you decided to grope my manly chest?”


“What? No Danny! I just thought… I know you’re straight, okay? I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable with me, and right now I can’t imagine how this could be anything else than awkward.”


Steve’s hair was standing on end from the way he was restlessly running his hands though it.


“You’re the best partner, the best friend I have ever had Danny. I never wanted to jeopardize that, by letting you know how much I’m attracted to you. Having you by my side as my friend was better than not having you in my life at all.”


The anger just flowed out of Danny leaving him feeling almost light headed with relief. He stalked toward Steve.


“You are a idiot. A monumentally insane, emotionally constipated idiot with far too much fascination with things that go boom, but heaven help me, you are my idiot and I am not letting you push me away.”


“Danny? What are you trying to say?”


“You’re missing a few key facts here Steve. You’ve spent so much time trying to hide your attraction to me that you have totally missed my attraction to you.”


Steve looked like he’d been hit in the back of his head. “But… since when are you gay? You’re straight! What about Rachel?”


Danny just shook his head. “The question isn’t ‘since when are you gay’ it’s more ‘since when are you bi?’ The answer to that is, since I was 15 when I realized I’d just as soon date the captain of the football team as one of the cheerleaders. Granted it’s mostly theory at this point, just a few shared hand jobs between buddies as it were.”


Steve still looked dazed, like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Danny decided the tell portion of the discussion was over and now it was time to show Steve what he meant. He crowded Steve up against the wall, pressing himself fully against his body, making sure that he pressed himself against Steve’s leg so that he could feel the hard length of Danny’s dick.


Steve shivered all over. It was pretty heady to realize how much power he had over Steve; power that he vowed to himself to never abuse as so many people in Steve’s life had done before. He reached up and kissed Steve, not more than a gentle brushing of their lips to test the waters.


Steve suddenly came alive, and in another move worthy of a ninja Danny found their positions reversed and now Steve was the one pressing Danny up against the wall. Steve brought his hands up, cradling Danny’s face, lowered his head, and kissed Danny for all he was worth. Danny actually went weak in the knees for a moment and might have fallen if Steve hadn’t had him pressed against the wall.


This was good, hell it was damn near perfect. Danny’s knee gave a twinge though, so he knew it was time to take this to someplace more comfortable and pushed lightly against Steve’s chest. Steve misinterpreted this move and started to pull away, the shutters once more coming over his eyes. In that moment Danny once again wanted to hunt down everyone that had hurt Steve, put doubt of his own self worth in his eyes, but he had more important things to deal with first.


“Where do you think you’re going, huh?” Danny said, reaching out to tangle one of his hands in Steve’s t-shirt. “I wasn’t saying I wanted to stop, I just want to take this someplace more comfortable. I’m far too old to come in my pants against a wall, although if it’s something you are really into we can revisit it at a later date.”




Danny decided that dazed was a good look for Steve. “Bed Steve. Take me to bed. You have heard of them before or do you military types sleep suspended from the ceiling in cocoons?”


Joy was also a good look on Steve, his smile at that so dazzling, his joy and relief almost a physical thing that stole the air from Danny’s lungs.


“You are a kinky man Danno. Cocoon sex really isn’t my thing, but if it’s something you want to try we can revisit it at a later date.” Steve said, taking Danny’s hand and practically dragging him upstairs


Once in the bedroom it was Danny’s turn to be a little nervous. “I don’t have much experience with this side of it Steve, I don’t want to disappoint you.”


Steve’s smile seemed impossibly tender. Relax Danny, I’m okay with whatever you want. I’ll take whatever you want to give me.”


Danny shivered again at how much power Steve was giving him. It was incredibly humbling and a bit of a turn on that someone that guarded themselves so completely was handing that kind of power over.


“But what do you want Steve?”


“Me? Well for starters I’d like to see what all you are trying to hide under those button down shirts and sinfully tight dress pants. After that, well I was kind of hoping that you’d let me blow you.” At Danny’s deep intake of breath Steve said, “of course if you don’t want me to…”


“What kind of question is that? Do I want you to; what kind of man turns down a blow job?”


Steve just smiled, crowding Danny toward the foot of the bed and kissing him with great intensity as he ran both of his hands under Danny’s t-shirt. Suddenly Danny was without his shirt, his hair standing on end a testament to how fast it had been whipped over his head, but if asked Danny would be sure that they had not stopped kissing long enough to get the shirt out of the way.


Steve then hooked his left foot around Danny’s right ankle and with a slight push, Danny found himself flat on the bed, his legs from the knee down dangling over the edge, and a breeze across his heated skin further proof of Steve’s speed as he’d apparently ninjaed Danny’s pants and socks completely off.


Danny sat back up to see Steve just staring at him. “Earth to Steve, you okay there babe?”


Steve shook himself, blushing slightly at getting caught staring. “Now I know why you swagger like that Danny. I don’t know how I missed this with how tight your pants are, but in my defense I was mostly staring at your ass since you were less likely to catch me at that.”


It was Danny’s turn to blush. “So that’s the Smooth Dog I’ve heard so much about, huh? How about you get with the program here, I want to see you too babe, and you are way too overdressed here. Can’t tell me you’re shy with the way you’ve flashed your abs at half the islands.”


Steve ducked his head, grinning but allowed Danny to help him undress, t-shirt and cargo pants flying in opposite directions. It was Danny’s turn to stare, not that anyone could blame him, Steve was a very good looking man.


“Commando Steve? Really?”


Steve just laughed, leaning in to kiss Danny again, trailing kisses down his jaw, neck, and chest as he dropped gracefully to his knees. Danny helpfully spread his legs in a not so subtle hint, but Steve bypassed his dick completely, instead lowering his hands to Danny’s ankles running his hands upward slowly.


“You’re killing me here babe.” Danny complained, only to be surprised by the surge of pleasure that ran through him when Steve delicately caressed the back of his knees. Apparently the back of his knees was one of Danny’s hot zones. Trust Steve to zero in on it when even Danny was unaware that it existed.


Steve seemed to take pity on Danny and finally, finally put his mouth on Danny’s dick. He ran his tongue slowly up Danny’s dick, from root to tip, swirled his tongue over the tip, and then in one smooth move sucked the head inside.


Danny couldn’t hold in the moans as Steve bobbed his head, taking more of Danny’s dick into that perfect wet heat with each pass. Steve shouldn’t be able to smirk with his mouth full, but somehow the bastard managed it.


“Smugness is not at attractive trait Steve… oh shit, do that again…”


Really Danny had never been so grateful for SEAL training that apparently rendered Steve able to hold his breath for hours at a time. He realized he had said that last part out loud when Steve chuckled around his dick, and that was all they wrote for Danny. He tried to gasp out a warning, but Steve just sucked harder and the world seemed to explode in pleasure.


The smug look was back on Steve’s face, but this time Danny figured it was warranted. He reached out with a shaking hand caressing the side of Steve’s face and rubbing his thumb over his reddened bottom lip.


Steve surged forward, kissing Danny with surprising tenderness. The taste of himself in Steve’s mouth was a new experience, but one he figured he could get used to if it came with McGarrett induced orgasms.


“Come on Steve, get up here.” Danny said, tugging on Steve. He floundered backward on the bed gracelessly, kicking the sheets to the end of the bed. “Get up here, I want… I want to touch you. Come here babe.”


Steve complied, flowing gracefully to his feet. Was there nothing the man didn’t do well? If it was Danny he’d be lurching to his feet, knees popping so loudly it would sound like they were under fire.


He crawled up the bed, which should be ridiculous, but somehow to Danny was hotter than hell. Oh yeah, he had it bad.


Steve kissed his way up Danny’s body, pausing to pay attention to certain sensitive areas, and Danny wished fervently that he could get hard again.


“That ship has sailed babe,” he gasped out as Steve licked and sucked at his nipples. “It’s your turn, let me… let me…” He pushed Steve onto his back, kissing him before pulling back to gaze at the feast before him.


He ran his hands all over Steve’s body, reveling in finally being able to touch. His lips following his hands, kissing, tasting, nibbling. The vee of Steve’s hips, the sight of which had more than once rendered him stupid with lust. The finely toned abs that were constantly being flashed. His nipples, which Steve really seemed to enjoy if his moans and the way he arched off the bed was anything to go by.


“Please, Danny, please!” Steve moaned as Danny kissed and nibbled his way up the column of Steve’s throat.


“I’m not going to leave you hanging babe.” Danny said as he took Steve’s erection into his hand.


Steve almost came off the bed at the first touch to his cock, collapsing back onto the bed shivering and moaning. His reaction was heady stuff to Danny as he slowly moved his hand up and down Steve’s shaft pausing occasionally to rub his thumb over the head.


Steve had his head thrown back, gasps, moans, and praise falling from his lips, eyes tightly shut. That last part wouldn’t do at all.


“Look at me babe.”




Danny stilled his hand. “Open your eyes and look at me!”


Steve opened his eyes, gazing right into Danny’s own.


“That’s it babe,” Danny said, speeding up his hand once more. “That’s it, I want to see you when you come.”


That and a final wicked twist of Danny’s hand was enough for Steve, and with his mouth locked open in a silent scream he came, his back arched, frozen in pleasure before falling backward unconscious onto the bed.


Danny had apparently knocked out Super SEAL with the power of his hand job. He just hoped that there would be no fatalities when they got a little farther along than that.


Danny got up on rubbery legs and went into the bathroom. He washed up, drank a couple glasses of water and came back with a clean washcloth to clean Steve up. He tossed the cloth in the direction of the bathroom and then climbed back up on the bed, pulling the sheet over them both before he joined Steve in unconsciousness.


Some time later Steve regained consciousness. He lay there remembering Danny naked, the feel of his hands on his skin. Too bad it was just another dream, a fantasy that could never be his. He supposed that he should be grateful that at least this time he didn’t wake up covered in his own sticky release. A snuffling sound had him whipping his head quickly to the left.


There was the most perfect sight he had ever seen. Danny, morning stubble darkening his chin, hair wild instead of slicked carefully back, bare chest dusted with golden hair. Danny, naked and asleep in Steve’s bed. It hadn’t been a dream at all.


Steve couldn’t hold back his joy at that, crowding into Danny’s space, to cuddle up against his chest in a unconscious imitation of their earlier position on the couch.


“Octopus,” Danny grumbled as he pulled Steve closer, arms wrapping tight around him.


Steve sighed. This was perfect. And warm, safe, loved he drifted back to sleep.

Fic: Christmas Chaos, CSI:LV

For Christmas a repost of an older story.  Originally posted December 2005.

Title: Christmas Chaos (1/1)

Fandom: CSI:LV

Genre: General/ Humor

Rating: K+

Summery: Christmas insanity, CSI style. Response to The Scribes’ Corner Holliday Challenge. The story must contain any element from the 12 Days of Christmas.

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI. No profit is being made from this work of fan fiction. All I own is this story, which is the work of my own twisted imagination.

(see end of story for additional notes)


Archie was just leaving his lab, when he ran into Catherine.

“Hey Catherine. I didn’t think you were due back until tomorrow.”

“The Forensics Conference ended a little early, and I decided to head back instead of staying the night.”

“That’s a long drive. You look exhausted.”

“I am. I just want to turn in my travel vouchers, grab a cup of coffee, and head home.”

After dropping off her vouchers, she headed in to the break room for some of Greg’s famous Blue Hawaiian coffee.

When she walked into the break room, she was confronted with what looked like the aftermath of massacre.

Warrick and Nick were sprawled half asleep on opposite ends of the sofa. Sara was sitting at the table with her head in her hands. Greg sat next to Sara clutching a cup of coffee like his very life depended on it. Jacqui sat across from them with her head pillowed by her arms on the table. Even the usually unflappable Brass looked a little worse for wear.

“What happened all of you?” Asked Catherine.

“Just the usual Christmas insanity.” Brass replied.

“One of the casino owners got the bright idea to do a live performance of the Twelve Days of Christmas.”

“It was complete chaos.”

“I’m not sure what the twelve lords were a-leaping, but the eleven ladies dancing, and several of the eight maids a milking charged them with sexual harassment.”

“Nine drummers drumming, ten pipers piping, along with the four Calling birds caused so much noise that several members of the audience were complaining of hearing loss.”

“The noise startled the eight milk cows into stampeding through the casino.”

“That provided enough of a distraction for the six geese and seven swans to escape.”

Greg took up the tale when Brass paused for breath.

“Nick finally tracked down the swans and geese outside. They were harassing a group of tourists. After Nick rescued the tourists, they started yelling that they’d been exposed to the bird flu, and were going to sue the city of Las Vegas.”

“Animal control showed up about that time, and was able to catch the turtle doves, partridge, cows, swans, and geese.”

“It turned really ugly when it was discovered that one of the milk maids had stolen the five gold rings. She hit Grissom over the head with a milk bucket and tried to escape, but one of the guards grabbed her.”

“Have you ever tried to fingerprint eight milk buckets?” Jacqui asked.

“I smell like soured milk. I ended up getting chased by a half dozen stray cats when I went across to the diner during my break.”

“My day was almost as strange.” Warrick sighed.

“Sofia and I got called out to a riot at a Holiday Tree display.”

“I’m not sure what started it, but when we got there we saw a woman beating the lot manager over the head with a small tree.”

“She kept yelling: Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!”

“When the officers surrounded her, she threw the tree over the fence and yelled: Run like the wind Steve!”

“She started singing ‘Born Free’ as the officers dragged her off.”

“It made the ten o’clock news.”

Catherine doubled over with laughter.

When she was finally able to control herself she smiled and said “I just love Christmas.”


Notes: “Steve” is the result of a conversation on political correctness during Christmas.  I stated that, in my own opinion, a Christmas tree was in fact a Christmas tree and calling them a “holiday tree” didn’t change that.  I had no opinion of what a person wanted to call their own tree once they got it home, it could be a “holiday tree”, “solstice bush”, or “Steve” once they got it home.  That little germ of an idea created a small plot bunny that gleefully bred with the challenge bunny and this is the result.

Merry Christmas, pass the brain bleach

Full Moon for Christmas

Azure’s Wild Kingdom

Not a surprise to anyone that knows me that I have cats.  Two of my cats (Sweetie and Homeboy) are outside pets, but I do confine them to the garage at night and when the weather is bad.  We finally had a sunny day after weeks of rain, so the cats got to go out for a while.  Homeboy imediatly found the fat jay that’s been stealing kibble out of the food dishes and chased him into the garage.  The following is the crazy that went on after that.

The Cast:  Homeboy (HB), Sweetie (S),  Bird (B), and Me *waves*

HB:  *chases bird into garage*  KILL! KILL! KILL!

Me:  *leaps out of the way*  What the…

B:  Oh chit!  *flies up into rafters

HB:  KILL DA BIRDIE!  *runs around garage as if rockets were strapped to his butt*

S:  *wanders into the garage*  Hey guys, what’s going on?

HB:  KILLING DA BIRDIE!  *tries to become air born, fails miserably*

Me:  Knock it off you nutt!

B:  Oh chit, oh chit, oh chit!

S:  *looks every where but up*  Do you hear a birdie?

HB:  *attempts flying tackle of bird*

Me:  *leaps out of the way*


S:  I could swear I hear a birdie.  Hey Homeboy, do you hear a birdie?

HB:  My Birdie!  KILL DA BIRDIE!

Me:  Oh for the love of… *gets broom, manages to shoo bird outside*

B:  Flee to the sky!

S:  I could have sworn I heard a birdie.  Oh well.  *goes outside to sun herself on top of BBQ*

HB:  Darn it Mom!  I almost had it!  *goes outside to sulk*


B:  *sees Homeboy, swoops down on him*   I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!  DIE FELINE SCUM!

S:  Birdie!  *preforms slap-shot worthy Olympic athlete, knocks bird back into gargage*


HB:  *rockets back into garage*  Thanks Sweetie!  KILL!  KILL!  KILL!

Me:  How is this my life?

S:  There it is again!  It sure sounds like a birdie.  Do you hear a birdie?

B:  …being of sound mind but endangered body do hereby bequeath my collection of shiny stuff to Bob the crow…

Me:  Oh for… *throws quilt over cats, opens large door*

B:  Freedom!  *flies out, careens off car before flapping to safety*

HB:  Darn it Mom!  Birds are for noms!  Why do you keep rescuing my lunch?!?  *sulks*

S:  I could have sworn I heard a birdie….

Me:  I’m going to trade you all in for a Chia pet if you don’t knock it off….

Out of my mind…

I’ve often been told that I must be out of my mind.  Of course I am!  It’s dark and scary in there!

Plus there’s weird shit in there like cheese puff addicted alien cats, Ronon being alien tech pregnant and Woolsey is the other father, and the Loyal Order of the Terrycloth Robed Gnome Wranglers.  If you had to deal with a mind full of shit like that, you’d want to spend as much time out of your mind as possible too.