AzureHart's Place

Crack, Fanfic, and other Nonsense

Fic: Christmas Chaos, CSI:LV

For Christmas a repost of an older story.  Originally posted December 2005.

Title: Christmas Chaos (1/1)

Fandom: CSI:LV

Genre: General/ Humor

Rating: K+

Summery: Christmas insanity, CSI style. Response to The Scribes’ Corner Holliday Challenge. The story must contain any element from the 12 Days of Christmas.

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI. No profit is being made from this work of fan fiction. All I own is this story, which is the work of my own twisted imagination.

(see end of story for additional notes)


Archie was just leaving his lab, when he ran into Catherine.

“Hey Catherine. I didn’t think you were due back until tomorrow.”

“The Forensics Conference ended a little early, and I decided to head back instead of staying the night.”

“That’s a long drive. You look exhausted.”

“I am. I just want to turn in my travel vouchers, grab a cup of coffee, and head home.”

After dropping off her vouchers, she headed in to the break room for some of Greg’s famous Blue Hawaiian coffee.

When she walked into the break room, she was confronted with what looked like the aftermath of massacre.

Warrick and Nick were sprawled half asleep on opposite ends of the sofa. Sara was sitting at the table with her head in her hands. Greg sat next to Sara clutching a cup of coffee like his very life depended on it. Jacqui sat across from them with her head pillowed by her arms on the table. Even the usually unflappable Brass looked a little worse for wear.

“What happened all of you?” Asked Catherine.

“Just the usual Christmas insanity.” Brass replied.

“One of the casino owners got the bright idea to do a live performance of the Twelve Days of Christmas.”

“It was complete chaos.”

“I’m not sure what the twelve lords were a-leaping, but the eleven ladies dancing, and several of the eight maids a milking charged them with sexual harassment.”

“Nine drummers drumming, ten pipers piping, along with the four Calling birds caused so much noise that several members of the audience were complaining of hearing loss.”

“The noise startled the eight milk cows into stampeding through the casino.”

“That provided enough of a distraction for the six geese and seven swans to escape.”

Greg took up the tale when Brass paused for breath.

“Nick finally tracked down the swans and geese outside. They were harassing a group of tourists. After Nick rescued the tourists, they started yelling that they’d been exposed to the bird flu, and were going to sue the city of Las Vegas.”

“Animal control showed up about that time, and was able to catch the turtle doves, partridge, cows, swans, and geese.”

“It turned really ugly when it was discovered that one of the milk maids had stolen the five gold rings. She hit Grissom over the head with a milk bucket and tried to escape, but one of the guards grabbed her.”

“Have you ever tried to fingerprint eight milk buckets?” Jacqui asked.

“I smell like soured milk. I ended up getting chased by a half dozen stray cats when I went across to the diner during my break.”

“My day was almost as strange.” Warrick sighed.

“Sofia and I got called out to a riot at a Holiday Tree display.”

“I’m not sure what started it, but when we got there we saw a woman beating the lot manager over the head with a small tree.”

“She kept yelling: Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!”

“When the officers surrounded her, she threw the tree over the fence and yelled: Run like the wind Steve!”

“She started singing ‘Born Free’ as the officers dragged her off.”

“It made the ten o’clock news.”

Catherine doubled over with laughter.

When she was finally able to control herself she smiled and said “I just love Christmas.”


Notes: “Steve” is the result of a conversation on political correctness during Christmas.  I stated that, in my own opinion, a Christmas tree was in fact a Christmas tree and calling them a “holiday tree” didn’t change that.  I had no opinion of what a person wanted to call their own tree once they got it home, it could be a “holiday tree”, “solstice bush”, or “Steve” once they got it home.  That little germ of an idea created a small plot bunny that gleefully bred with the challenge bunny and this is the result.


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