AzureHart's Place

Crack, Fanfic, and other Nonsense

Snippet: There Is Always A Catch

Title: There Is Always A Catch (snippet)

Author: AzureHart

Fandom: Stargate:Atlantis

Genre: Humor, mpreg, slash, het, crack

Rating: FRT

Summery:  There should be a 50-foot tall sign in the gate room that states: If Doctor McKay is enjoying himself on a mission, RUN in the other direction.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate:Atlantis or any of it’s characters. No profit is being made from this work of fan fiction.

Notes:  This is a snippet of my mpreg story.  Considering how slow I write it may be 5 years past forever before you see any more of this so be warned. 

Big thank you to memprime for her help, advice, and general hand holding.  Also a shout out to all those Porn Hustling Hussies AKA Keira’s Minions for letting me bounce ideas off of them.

The mission to PX-911 had been going great. Even Rodney had admitted that.


Really that should have been their first clue. There should be a 50-foot tall sign in the gate room that states: If Doctor McKay is enjoying himself on a mission, RUN in the other direction. Bad shit is going to happen. Fire, flood, Genii, rabid fire-breathing bunnies, Evil Asgard, or your very male team leader may come back PREGNANT by his equally male best friend.


The people of PX-911 called themselves the Dori, and considered themselves to be keepers of knowledge. They had collected many artifacts of Ancient technology as well as that from other advanced societies like Sateda. They even had the plans for building the energy weapons carried by the Satedan military, which thrilled Sheppard to no end since he had been not so secretly envious of Ronon’s gun.


They were thrilled to meet another technologically advanced people, and eager to share with the Atlantians. They asked little in return but friendship and a sharing of what knowledge and technology that those of Atlantis had that was different from what the Dori had already collected. They were fascinated by McKay’s tablet PC, and quite interested in Earth customs, history, and entertainment.


There was little problem providing the Dori with what they asked until it came time to provide them with DVDs for the cultural exchange.


“Musicals,” said Mckay.


John just rolled his eyes. “If you want to know about our culture you’d be better off with a few sporting events.”


“Oh brilliant Colonel. Have them thinking we’re one step above head hunters why don’t you?” Rodney scorned.


“What about Shakespeare?” Teyla asked. “I found his work to be most entertaining and informative.”


“Yes, but no one on Earth dresses or talks like that anymore,” replied Woolsey. “It might be a bit confusing to the people of PX-911 without proper context.”


“Porn,” Ronon said.


Everyone turned and stared at Ronon. “What?!?”


“Porn. You can learn a lot about a people by the way they fuck.” Ronon smirked.


Rodney was the first to recover. “Okay,” he said pointing at Ronon, “you are not allowed to hang out with the Marines. They are obviously a bad influence on you.”


Ronon just grinned. “I knew about fucking long before I came to Atlantis McKay. I haven’t been an innocent since I was 12 summers.”


“I… what?!” Rodney stammered. “Twelve years old?!? Really?”


Ronon’s grin got even wider in response. “I was always…. advanced for my age.”


Woolsey just shook his head and overruled everyone deciding that sending nature programs, historical documentaries, and concert performances was the way to go. Sheppard pouted for days for being denied the opportunity to bring his Hail Mary game to yet another unsuspecting culture.


The Dori were so thrilled with everything they had received in trade with the Atlantians that they even offered their world as a place of sanctuary in time of need. This was invaluable because their vast underground complexes were carved deep into a stone with unusual properties that completely blocked out Wraith scanning and beaming technology. This had allowed the Dori to remain virtually unculled for countless generations. The only time any of their people were taken was when they were outside the complexes or on other worlds for trading, hunting, and farming.


There was of course a catch. There is always a catch. These last minute conditions tended to make everyone a little nervous. Understandably so since they usually involved things like Wraith worshipers, Genii, blood sacrifice, and the local priestess, princess, hot space pirate, weird purple blob with 5 tentacles, or Ascended chick wanting to have Sheppard’s babies.


This time the “catch” didn’t seem that bad, and really once again that should have been a huge clue that freaky shit was going to happen. As many times as these things had backfired on them they really should have known better. However when the Dori revealed that they had a machine capable of recharging ZPMs, and would gladly trade one for one, fully charged ZPMs for each undamaged ZPM that the Atlantians could bring them, they stopped asking too many questions about the ceremony that the Dori said would involve the Doors of Sharing.


Even Rodney wasn’t asking too many questions when he got that news. He was too giddy over the prospect of 3 fully charged ZPMs powering Atlantis, and the ability to secure more for the defense of earth. Rodney’s lack of complaining and his giddiness over the science should have been a huge red flag; John knew better than anyone how Rodney’s scientific zeal could overrun his common sense.


“Honestly Sheppard, that’s a little paranoid even for you. It’s a doorway. Two of us need to walk through the damn doorways while two people stand in front of them. It’s not exactly rocket science, and I say that as something of an expert in rocket science.”


“I just have a bad feeling about this Rodney.”


“What, were you attacked by a door as a child? Did one make fun of your hair or your freakishly pointed ears?”


“Shut up McKay.” Sheppard pouted. “You’re the only one that makes fun of my hair and ears, and don’t come crying to me when the ceremony makes all your hair fall out or something like that.”


John may have taken far too much enjoyment from the way Rodney’s eyes went wide and his hands flew to his hair. It may not be mature of him, but Rodney kind of had it coming for making fun of his ears. They aren’t all that pointed damn it!


Then came the ceremony. Given the way the Dori prize technology and order it wasn’t too surprising that they asked both Rodney and Richard to participate. The other participants were to be John as the military leader and Ronon to pay homage to the people of Satada who had been long time trading partners with the Dori.


Rodney stood before the right hand doorway, with Woolsey taking the left hand door. At the proscribed moment John was to go through the door on the right, Ronon the door on the left, and Rodney and Woolsey were to rest their hands on the pedestals in front of them. As soon as they did that, a gold light enveloped first Rodney, then John while a silver light enveloped Richard and Ronon. That’s when the screaming started.



  1. ElfQueen

    LOL! I love that Ronon want to give them porn. 😀 I really love this. I hope that it won’t take you 5 years to finish.

    • I’m glad you enjoyed this. I hope that it doesn’t take 5 years or more to complete, but I kind of write as slow as continental drift, and writing a long chaptered story is a new experience for me so it is slow going.

      Thank you for taking the time to leave feedback!

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